How I Received My Courage.

I’m simple, a little shy person; I love to laugh and enjoy life. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. But I would like to tell a story, which make me a little more stronger, help me a little get over my shyness.

When I came into United States, I knew how to say only one sentence:” I don’t speak English.” I kept repeating these words anytime somebody talked to me. I didn’t care too much about it, because I had been living with my father’s family and they were caring of my daughter, and me. I did not have to worry about anything ;I did not care that I could not say simple word in English, I did not care that I could not go anywhere by myself. After two months of carefree life, my situation radically changed. Between my father and me, there appeared conflicts because we didn’t see each other for seventeen years, and we didn’t know each other. He remembers me as little, eight years old girl.
He decided that I should not wear short skirt, I should not wear make up, and he did not like many things about me.
Probably after so many years of separation he thinks differently about me, probably in his imagination I was different person. So, I was desperate, because as twenty-five years old woman and mother I could not let my father decided about my life and me. I could not let my daughter see all of that and let her trust in an illusion that her mother is dependent from somebody else .So, I decided leave my father’s house and move to New York. That was a very courageous decision because I did not know anybody there, I did not speak English, and I had my daughter with me. I had only a telephone number for some friend of my friend in New York, and I decided to ask her to help me. My friend from Russia helped me to get a ticket to New York, which was possible only because we spoke similar languages.
After thirty hours in bus we arrived in New York, I found this lady or better say she found me, she got a carton board in hand with printed out my name.

We went to her house, where my daughter and I stayed about a week.
She was a very nice, hospitable lady.
She helped me find an apartment, and from that moment, I was there by myself. At that time, I didn’t have contact with my father and all what I had was a three hundred dollars in my packet. Then I had to become courageous, instead of shy, lost, and confused. But… How to enroll my daughter in school, which school, where is it? How to find a job? How to get to this job? And many similar questions. Everything was totally different then in my country, people, and behavior of these people, their tradition, culture, customs, and even the way that they were thinking. I was thinking:” How I can find myself surrounded by these strangers?” I felt so lonely, worse than others. I had two choices: go back to my country and treat my visit in United States as an short, informative adventure or struggle of my future in this country, regardless I was thinking about my visit in US temporary. Then I made decision:” I’m going to build my new life.” Going back to Poland would mean defeat with my self.
With dictionary in my hand, I went enroll my daughter in school, after that I found a Polish teenager and she for a little amount of money was helping my daughter with her homework. Some girl gave me her job because she went back to Poland. That was a waitress job. I was so terrified of that:” How can I do that? Without any English?” She taught me basic conversation necessity to become a waitress. I could not sleep all night before my first day in the new job. I kept repeating answers for potential questions of my future boss. I tried to remember the menu; I translated names of courses. For example, I had no idea what “beef" or “sausage” meant. Everything in New York required from me all my courage. I was scared to say any word, I was scared to make mistake and give people a reason to laugh at me. However, I had to start talking; I could not survive there without conversation. And I made a lot of mistakes. For example, one time someone ordered Sprite and I brought him fries, because that I heard, but everything ended well. The six months visit in New York was a very hard time for me, I was working two full time jobs in order to survive, and only occasionally I spent time with my little daughter. I remember so many times when I felt asleep in subway and when I woke up was the last station.
But not only because of that visit in New York was hard
Psychical also, lonely with my problems and questions, life without friendly soul, life without somebody who could listen to me, life without friendly warm hug …

Finally I’m back in Florida, and I’m made up with my father, but I’m so glad of that experience. Life without any support made me a little more brave and courageous.
Now I know that I can’t just seat and wait what happen in my life, I have to take my future in my hands, and I have to feel always in accord with myself, believe that what I’m doing is always right and good for me, and now I got the feeling that; there is really nothing that can limit what I want, and nothing is beyond my hands.
I just trust in saying “ reach you hand and take a star “.